12:40 AM. Listening to The Fray in my bed at home, dreading the fact that I have to return to the city in a few hours to work at my shitty job, knowing I have to face the reality of what has happened over the past few days. It isn’t fair. It doesn’t feel right. But that’s life.

It doesn’t ever really get any easier, does it?

The hope we harbored
Turning grey to gold
But the fire wouldn’t catch
And we went up in smoke.

We burned,
We burned out.

Anonymous: I really like you and your writing ability so I think it would be cool to hear your response to this question: List your achievements in life, right back to when you were a child. Write down the successes you have had no matter how insignificant they may seem. Take note of the generosity and love you’ve given to others. Think about how you’ve helped to enhance life

This is an interesting question. I’ll give it a shot:

—I won “Most Dramatic” in Pre-K.
—I started playing basketball at 9 and fell in love.
—At 10 I auditioned for and was cast in my first play. It was a production of “Snow White” and I was Gargoyle #1. In the audition room, I made the teachers laugh so hard they actually fell out of their chairs.
—When I was 12 I was cast as a lead in my first musical: Dorothy in the Wizard of Oz. I was really under-confident with singing but this show helped spark my passion for music as well as acting.
—I started taking voice lessons at 15. As I gained confidence, I began competing in Idol competitions, and winning.
—At 16 I got nodes and my grandma died of cancer. Two things were taken from me at once— my ability to sing and someone I loved very much. I found strength I never knew I had and pushed forward.
—Later that year I received my first guitar. It was love at first sight.
—A few months later, I fell in love with a boy for the first time.
—I auditioned for and was accepted at Pace University, was offered the Honors College scholarship, and would be studying acting there in the fall of 2008.
—I graduated high school with a 3.9 GPA and an advanced regents diploma. Like in Pre-K, I also won “Most Dramatic,” as well as “Most Musical” and “Most Likely to be Famous.” I was pretty stoked on those.
—At 20 I signed my first record contract.
—I released my first acoustic EP at 21.
—After a series of really strange circumstances, I met the old bassist to one of my favorite bands in high school. The band was called The Morning Of. He would later become my best friend and help me form a band called Letters From Home.
—In August of 2011 I released my band’s first EP.
—At 22, I graduated from Pace University Honors College with a 3.87 GPA and the highest possible honor, summa cum laude.
—A few weeks ago, I met with an acting manager who is interested in representing me. I have a meeting with another manager in a few weeks, and then I will decide which to work with.

It’s funny which events in life people feel define them. Almost none of my successes have to do with love or relationships. I have never associated love with achievement or happiness. It’s just there, I guess. Success is all I want out of life. I think I’m a little bit jaded, but as long as I get what I want, I’m okay with it.

So we beat on.